Why I Let God Know: "I'm Fed Up"

Photo by Emily Fletke @fletkefoto

I used to be an independent badass. But, that was a façade.

I was just too scared to ask for help. So instead, I carried the emotional baggage of multiple breakups, a rape, deep insecurity about my body, plus some gnarly eating habits labeled “self-control,” and pretended I was “handling it” just like Olivia Pope.

So what did I do with all this inner turmoil? I whined about it. This time, however, not to myself as was my custom, but to God.

“God, I’m tired. I’m tired of heartbreak. Tired of feeling rejected. Tired of feeling so f***ing alone. And apparently there are people who truly believe you’re awesome. And they have hope. And I want that. So prove it to me, Jesus. That you are as loving as they say you are. Amen.”

I wish I could say that prayer was like waving a wand and suddenly everything changed. But, healing doesn’t work like that.

HOPE IS A MINDSET AND A MINDSET SHIFT TAKES TIME.

So, as I learn that Jesus puts me high on his priority list, I feel less rejected. As I grasp how generous and forward-thinking Jesus is, the more I’m willing to let him teach me how to live. And as I see him use his power, not to abuse or take advantage of me, but to elevate me, I’m more willing to receive his words of affirmation.  

Is there anything wrong with being independent? If it’s not a defense mechanism and a cover up, then no. If you’ve given in to the lie, like I did — that you have to do it all on your own — and you’re fed up with wearing that mask, let God know.

Are you feeling fed up? Do you need a mindset shift?