A Sexy New Normal - Embracing Sexuality Authentically
Moving away from obsession, oppression, and repression and into healthy sexuality
Photo by Janelle Pol
Dating during a pandemic has been like my own version of “Love is Blind.” I’m learning to express myself over FaceTime and phone calls with limited in-person contact. The lack of opportunity for physical intimacy has brought up unexpected musings about sexuality: “How did I express my sexuality in the past?” and “how will I express my sexuality moving forward?” “Is it time to consider a ‘new normal’ in the way I choose to express and embrace my sexuality?”
Growing up, much was said about boys and their adolescent sexual awakenings. As a pre-teen, I was just warned about cramping, monthly visits from “Aunt Flow” and the uncertain appearance of breasts. I was left wondering, “What does a girl do with her inherent sexuality, with her sexual urges, and with her sensuality?”
WHAT CULTURE HAS TAUGHT ME ABOUT MY SEXUALITY
Three “cultural teachers” taught me how to express my sexuality: pop culture, male-dominated culture, and religious purity culture. Their lessons included ways to exploit, manipulate, and protect my sexuality by responding to it through obsession, oppression, and repression.
Obsession: Pop culture told me to use sexiness to my advantage and to flaunt my body to get attention. I spent several years obsessing over sex, bingeing on romance novels, porn (yes, women can be addicted to porn, too), or just about anything on HBO. Then I would dress, flirt, and date in ways that would hint at the latest sexual fantasy.
Oppression: Male-dominated culture taught me that my sexuality can and will be used against me. After being sexually assaulted, I experienced the insidious victim-blaming that is pervasive in rape culture. The ‘male-gaze’ and its perception of my motives were given greater weight than my testimony. As I dated after that experience, I was very hesitant to express my attractiveness in a way that might be misconstrued or abused.
Repression: Religious purity culture taught me that my sexuality was either too sacred to share or too shameful to speak of. Sometimes, my sexual desire was a hidden treasure to guard with my life; other times, my sexual appetite was demonized. At all times, I was confused and convinced it was best to simply not address it. When I dated with this mindset, I was completely unequipped to express my feelings, fearful I would reveal what I was supposed to hide.
TRAPPED IN A CYCLE
These ways to express my sexuality gave me the semblance of control. When obsessed, I felt as if I had complete ownership of my desires. When oppressed, I could take action by adjusting my sexual expression to protect myself from another assault or attack. When repressed, I truly believed I was keeping myself from moral corruption. But this created an unhealthy cycle of allowing external factors and circumstances to control how I expressed my sexuality. This cycle controlled me and did not give me a healthy way to embrace and value my sexuality.
When I reflected on how this cycle had affected my past relationships, I realized that expressing my sexuality in these ways did not allow me to date authentically. Instead, I over-emphasized sexual expression and did not bring my whole self into a relationship. As I’m dating now, I’m determined to create a “new normal” by embracing my sexuality in a way that allows me to bring my whole self to the relationship, untethered to the unhealthy cycle that used to control my feelings.
BREAKING THE CYCLE: KNOWING WHO WE ARE
In their lessons about sensuality, these “cultural teachers” failed to incorporate the truth about the complexity of our sexual beings. The oversimplification of femininity reduces it to an object for the male-gaze, for another’s entertainment, or for religious adherence. That reduction dismisses how our sexuality is a part of our skillful and purposeful design. We are complex beings, with bodies and souls, blending both the spiritual and sacred with the physical and sensual. We are crafted in the image of God and our bodies are a place for Him to dwell. Our sexuality is a part of God’s design, which makes it too complex, purposeful, and sacred for obsession, oppression, or repression. When I embrace my inherent sexuality as something to be respected and understood, I can make different choices about sexual expression and break free from the cycle imposed by culture.
GUIDED FROM A PLACE OF FREEDOM
Once I accept the complexity and value of my sexual makeup, I’m still left wondering, “how exactly do I express myself authentically?” This is where knowing Jesus makes a difference in how I can embrace my sexuality. He gives me and you access to a spiritual person who understands how and why we are crafted: his Holy Spirit. One of the job descriptions of the Holy Spirit is to lead us into all truth. Healthy and holistic ways of expressing our sexuality fall under the category of all truth. The Holy Spirit is also called the Helper and Teacher. I don’t have to figure things out on my own. I can draw on divine help and wisdom straight from the source that created my sexuality. This divine help from the Holy Spirit frees me to make more authentic decisions regarding my sexuality:
Instead of repression, the Holy Spirit reminds me my sexuality is good and part of my sacredness. I can choose to make a decision about sexual intimacy out of respect for my complexity as a woman rather than from a place of fear.
Instead of obsession, the Holy Spirit reminds me I’m not solely defined by my sensuality and sexual presence. They are aspects of my holistic womanhood, and I am free to live out of wholeness.
Instead of oppression, the Holy Spirit reminds me of my inherent dignity as a woman and image-bearer of God. Thus, I can express my sexuality without using it to prove I deserve honor and protection.
After these reminders, divine help comes in the form of empowerment. The Holy Spirit produces divine character traits in us, one being self-control. I am learning that an aspect of self-control is the ability to recognize what might be controlling my sexual expression, remembering the complexity of how I am designed, and choosing to be guided from a place of freedom. Thus, self-control produces a new healthy cycle for embracing my sexuality: recognize, remember, and decide.
EMBRACING & PRACTICING THIS ‘NEW NORMAL’
As the city reopens, I’ve had more opportunity to meet in-person as I date and I’m already seeing the positive results of embracing my sexual desires with divine help and self-control. I’m showing up more authentically than ever before. It’s tempting to fall back into the unhealthy cycle, but now I can pause and ask for help from the Holy Spirit. Then I’m empowered to recognize if I’m expressing my sexuality from a place of obsession, oppression, or repression, remember my complexity as a woman made in the image of God, and make an authentic choice from there.