Lockdown Lessons: Learning to Receive
“I am so, SO not comfortable being served by Jesus. Meanwhile, he’s just hanging out in my kitchen, trying to serve up some comfort food, patiently waiting on me, if only I could rest and receive.”
Photo by Emily Fletke Photography
Recently I shared with my West Chelsea church launch team that I had a cold, which I only divulged because I felt bad about not being able to join in serving our elderly neighbors. Soon afterwards, a huge care package was delivered to my lobby. Though the card was signed for the entire launch team, I knew it came from one of the women who I had not yet had a chance to know very well. The incredibly thoughtful and overly generous contents made me so uneasy I felt even sicker. Not knowing how to process all these overwhelming emotions, I just left the bag unpacked by the door for the next two days.
Two days prior to this, my counselor had pointed out how I’d been coughing during our sessions and emphasized the importance of letting my community in, during these COVID times, to “help carry each other’s burdens.” The next morning during our team’s Zoom prayer, the pastor’s wife asked how I was feeling. When I said, “I don’t like to talk about it, because I don’t want to cause anyone to worry unless there’s something to actually worry about,” she said, “Well, we just want to help carry each other’s burdens.”
PUTTING ASIDE MY PRIDE
Turns out hosting, cooking, caretaking, consulting, coaching — those kinds of burdens I could carry just fine. But receiving such unexpected, unwarranted, and unsolicited overwhelming kindness from someone who barely knew me nor my history put me in a place of such weakness and vulnerability that my pride just could not cope.
I relayed all this in my next counseling session, and then shared how I was desperately trying to get rid of my cold in order to help the team distribute food to seniors in my neighborhood. I was advised to pay attention to what seemed to be the recurring theme all week — that maybe this is the time to go against my nature of always wanting to help, and to consider that just maybe God wants me to stay put, rest, and learn to receive.
Literally an hour later I was notified of yet another lobby drop-off, this time from a launch team member I’ve had even less interaction with! I don’t even know how she had my address. It was a beautiful gift bag, with a nicely wrapped jar of a basil kit with a card tied around it that said, “Bertha, praying for you as you COVID it alone.” On the other side, it said, “Taste and see that the Lord is good.” She even signed it “Love”… Boy, was God drilling in deep. I was floored. I felt like my heart couldn’t take any more. Then I wondered how I went from a launch team leader to its charity case.
LEARNING TO REST AND RECEIVE
Right between the counseling session and this latest delivery, I received a text from my colleague, a Newbery winning author of fourteen bestselling novels. Out of the blue, she mentioned having a flash vision just then of Jesus hanging out in my kitchen. “He was facing out, smiling, gathering platters and putting them on the counter like he was getting ready to serve a meal. Don’t know if that resonates with you...”
Umm —YES, it did resonate, as I am so, SO not comfortable being served by Jesus, meanwhile, he’s just hanging out in my kitchen, trying to serve up some comfort food, patiently waiting on me, if only I could rest and receive.
Bertha Bay-Sa Pan is a longtime West Chelsea-based New Yorker and director whose films have been selected as New York Times Critic’s Pick, Sundance Grand Jury, and Gotham Awards.