Falling in Love With a Better Vision of Myself

“I love myself enough now to be the person who has the work ethic for something like that, but I first had to learn to love the One who had this vision for me in the first place.” 

Photo by Beazy.co

She asked, “How was your 2020, Nyla?” I responded, “2020 was the best year of my life.”

Yep, I said it. The best year of my entire life thus far was during a global pandemic. I cringe in knowing that that statement includes a year of turmoil for some, trauma for many and just so many forms of loss for all of us. Lost hopes, lost dreams, lost jobs, lost proms and graduations, lost opportunities. And yes, I lost a lot but I gained so much more. 

2020 GAINS AND A MAJOR LOSS

I started out the year by taking my mother and grandmother on a trip to Los Angeles, CA to celebrate Christmas 2019 and all of our birthdays. I came back to New York City to finish the last semester of my master’s degree at NYU. Though the pandemic forced me to move from my single dormitory in Union Square, I gained a beautiful, first-floor Brooklyn apartment with an awesome roommate and a host of coveted NYC amenities. (The train is quite literally across the street. IYKYK!) I went on to start a voice and acting studio, Queen Studios. I trained for and ran the Rockapulco Fall Half Marathon and the Virtual New York City Marathon. I transformed my life, and even lost 70 pounds. I went out of the country for the first time. My mother and I had milestone birthdays. It was a great year and I’m extremely grateful. 

I can hear the reader saying, “Wait. WHAT? Rewind! 70 pounds? Let’s talk about that!”

Okay. Okay. Here goes: It was the end of April and my good friend, Michael, reached out to me to start working out together. I’ve been on a weight loss journey for what feels like centuries and, with nothing but time, it was a welcome suggestion. Quarantine had just started; we were about a month or so into isolation, and I was only going from the computer to bed and back again, finishing my degree. My friend’s FaceTime got me up and moving, and the transformation began…AGAIN. Yep, again. I’ve tried to lose weight before and even had a few half successes. (Is that really success?) I’ve been plant-based for almost 8 years and I thought I knew all the rules of weight loss. Even in my imperfect “knowing,” I didn’t have a complete understanding or effective, consistent follow through. 

There’s this famous quote by Napoleon Hill that says, “Knowledge is only potential power. It becomes power ONLY WHEN, and IF, it is organized into definite plans of action, and directed to a definite end.” Sheesh! The conviction. How many times had I started and stopped before? How many times had I sold myself short or didn’t organize my plans because I was insecure about what I actually wanted? Why do we do that to ourselves? 

LOVING MYSELF AND ACCEPTING LOVE — AGAIN

We can hear God’s voice, get excited about deepening our relationship with Him, and then when obstacles come or our own sin patterns surface, we turn from God’s best…again! Our unbelief leaks out and our negative self-talk is louder than the Holy Spirit’s urging us to KEEP GOING! 

There was just no way I could do this on my own…yet again. I needed God to expand my capacity for execution…once again I needed a sign of confirmation that I could actually do this…yep, you guessed it — again. Knowledge wasn’t enough. I needed to fall in love with God’s will for me in this matter, which was more about health, obedience and trust than weight loss itself.  I needed to learn that I could co-labor with him to see this thing through this time.

And of course, God being himself in his abundant grace and overflowing love, he met me AGAIN and equipped me with tools, a team, and tactics that got me up and got me here. 

I’m still on this weight loss journey because now I want a six-pack! I love myself enough now to be the person who has the work ethic for something like that, but I first had to learn to love the One who had this vision for me in the first place. I had to learn to love the God who sends friends that FaceTime you while you’re in bed and remind you what you’re worth. Thank you for loving me well, Lord. I love you back!