When Self-help Doesn’t Bring The Community You Want

Photo by Janelle Pol

I’m a New York native. I was raised in Forest Hills and then moved to the Upper East Side of Manhattan to continue school. From there I moved to Santa Monica in LA, then back to Bushwick in Brooklyn and, by no surprise, found myself swept into the self-help wave. The cultures of LA and BK spit me out into a self-perceived positive-energy-flowing yogi goddess. I felt like the universe was calling me to make it official, so off to yoga school I went. 

I spent three months, three days a week, with a group of women, chanting mantras, holding poses upside-down and learning about Eastern yogic theology. I learned about my chakras, my ligaments and muscles, and had a vision for how far I could distort the figure of my body. But when it came to community, asking my yogi friends outside of my small inner circle to sacrificially love — to give up time and energy when it wasn’t in their best interests to do so — I was disappointed. My experience was that I would often find myself alone, mustering up as much understanding and empathy as I could for their need to be self-focused.

DISCOVERING A RADICALLY DIFFERENT COMMUNITY

I eventually became a Christian, and my perspective on love and community changed. I was moved deeply by the gospel — the good news and the great love story of Jesus — and discovered that my need for sacrificial love and freedom from self-focus was met in God.

Having lived among the New York elite and my yogic friends, Christians transformed my understanding of community. It was so radically different from any group I had been a part of.

In the Christian community, there is a fundamental belief in God who is all-knowing and perfect, and because of that, it takes the pressure off people to be the all-knowing, perfect ones. My experiences showed me a community built on the acknowledgment of human brokenness yet which also receives grace, which is the undeserved patience, empathy, and forgiveness from a loving God. Because of this, I felt more comfortable being vulnerable about my unappealing thoughts, behaviors, and intentions, and found I was able to build deep, intimate relationships quickly and effortlessly. 

PEOPLE WHO GO EXTRA LENGTHS

I encountered a group of people who would go extra lengths to show me they cared about my well-being and weren't deterred by my imperfections. Because they believed in a God who loved unconditionally, they were all the more willing to be open and to share their faults. This was so different from the self-focused self-help culture I had experienced.

When you feel the deposit of God’s love and generosity on your life, it is out of that fuel that you can love others generously. And when you find community operating from this place, there is nothing better. The Bible says: “We love because He first loved us.”

Are you living in a community burdened by the pressures to be perfect? Do you need God’s love and grace?