Are We Building Boundaries or Barriers?

Photo by Emily Fletke

How do we know if we’re building a boundary or a barrier? “What’s the difference?” you may be asking.

Boundaries are more positive than barriers. Boundaries are defined in the dictionary as a limitation of a subject or activity. For example, keeping a check on how we respond, even if someone is rude to us, means life is more pleasant for all involved.

Barriers, however, can be negative. They are an obstacle, like a wall. Barriers may seem like ways to protect ourselves, but they keep people and things apart so there is no communication or progress. For example, when we cut off communication with a person, that relationship is stunted and certainly does not develop in a pleasant way. Of course, if a relationship puts you in physical danger, a barrier would be appropriate. 

It’s easy to see how healthy boundaries become unhealthy barriers when we look at the physical borders between countries. Think about the wall along the Mexico/U.S. border, the wall between Israel and the West Bank, or the border between Northern Ireland (the UK) and the rest of Ireland. Whatever our political views, it’s obvious that barriers bring a lot of tension and heated discussion. 

It’s less easy to see the effect with metaphorical walls we build. For example, consider the stress and strain caused when we decide to stop speaking to a friend or family member, even if it is for good reasons. 

HOW TO KEEP BOUNDARIES HEALTHY

So, the questions to ask when we set boundaries on what we say, think, and do are: Am I turning what should be healthy into something that is unhealthy, and how do I stop doing that? 

To answer these questions, I like to draw guidance from the wisdom of Jesus. He practiced boundaries but broke down barriers, and gave us one overarching instruction: “Love other people as we love ourselves.” 

Sometimes we jump right past the part about loving ourselves and focus on  “loving other people.” But, first we need to focus on loving ourselves. God expects us to love ourselves. 

How much do you love yourself? 

On one end of a “loving ourselves” scale, we’d say we shouldn’t love ourselves too much because then we are selfish or narcissistic. On the other end, we can spend a lot of time beating ourselves up, telling ourselves we’re not good enough, and berating ourselves over things for which we’d easily forgive others.

When we don’t love ourselves sufficiently, it can mean we don’t have the boundaries we should. We settle for less than great with a guy because “I don’t deserve anyone better.” We put up with stuff that doesn’t satisfy us and can even hurt us. Before we know it, we’re doing things that go against what we believe or we’re asking “Why did I do this to myself?” When we value ourselves, we are more inclined to set healthy boundaries to protect ourselves in our relationships and elsewhere.

EXERCISING SELF-LOVE

Here’s a little exercise:

Say to yourself: “I love you.” I know, sounds a bit weird. But, doesn’t it make you feel different? For me it starts off an internal dialogue of “I’ve been pretty rough on you this week…” 

Each morning when you get out of bed, tell yourself: “I am going to show myself love today.” The thought immediately softens the hardness of the day ahead — going out onto the busy, noisy streets of our city, or working with a difficult colleague. Sometimes we rely too much on love from other people, which often is unreliable. We can rely on ourselves. If we want to use a buzzword, we can call it self-care. What self-care are you giving yourself today?

Self-love doesn’t stop with just ourselves. It is for the benefit of other people. If we love purely for our own comfort, then this is selfishness. And, I hope this isn’t making too much of a jump, then our boundaries become barriers to other people’s feelings and points of view. Instead, if we think, “I don’t like what they’re saying or doing, but I’ll consider where they’re coming from and why they think or act like that,” then we have a chance of making progress. We’re showing love to the other person, just like we’re showing love to ourselves.

Let’s love ourselves so we can show love to others and be known for creating beautiful boundaries while breaking down ugly barriers.

When you think about how much you love yourself, can you make that barrier a boundary instead?