Finding Freedom in My Bible-Belt Upbringing
“Growing up as a minister’s daughter in the Bible Belt meant Chelsea Clinton or the Bush twins’ levels of scrutiny within our community…”
Photo by Janelle Pol
“Haley Laura, stop fooling around and pay attention!”
Every cell in my body froze as I looked up from the silly note I was writing to see not only my father’s eyes staring me down, but also the eyes of the entire congregation. Sitting in the “youth” section of the sanctuary in full view, I knew the humiliation of being called out from the front was blazing across my face. I muttered a “yes, sir” and began to take copious sermon notes instead of scribbling my first name with the last name of my crush who was sitting a few pews away.
Growing up as a minister’s daughter in the Bible Belt meant Chelsea Clinton or the Bush twins’ levels of scrutiny within our community. The well-intentioned guidance of congregants in our own church, networks, and even the larger church felt especially hard for a girl that took every disapproving glance or word to heart. As a pretty strong rule follower, public or private judgment of my behavior was a blow to my identity. I had a desperate desire for everyone to believe that I did or said nothing wrong, ever. I was propelled forward by words of affirmation and often completely deflated by words of criticism.
This was particularly true in my teenage years. The words of authority figures had an impact on who I became when I grew up. For many years of my childhood, I aspired to be a pediatrician. However, when I realized the necessity of biology and chemistry to that path, I was dismayed by my weakness in these subjects. I let the criticism from teachers on my slow or non-existent grasp of the material cripple my confidence and convince the 16-year-old me I wasn’t meant to be a doctor.
MINING MY HERITAGE
The beauty of maturity is realizing that where we experience struggle, disappointment, or pain may be the exact same places where we experience growth, opportunity and love. Where we are harmed can be transformed by the Divine and used instead for good. However, learning to mine my heritage for good was not an easy, three-step process, but instead a long haul.
As I searched my upbringing, I realized much of my identity was tied to misplaced and excessive value on the perceptions and expectations of others. I tried to be perfect but this wasn’t how I had been born, and I’d argue nobody is. Our identity is not achieved but received solely from being formed exquisitely by our Creator. Over time, I discovered that the place where I felt the imprisonment of being called out as a child was the exact same place where I would feel the freedom of being called up as an adult.
One way to this place of freedom was through a fellowship program that taught me new perspectives on the meaning of work and purpose. An exercise that identified my roles and priorities ultimately led me to a fresh understanding of what my purpose and passions are, where they came from, and how I can live them out. It also led me to a place of healing as I came to see the ways words shaped the path I’d traveled, and the power I have to determine whether their impact on me is positive or negative.
DISCOVERING GEMS
I am certain each of us is designed to do something amazing. You don’t have to go through a fellowship program to find this freedom. You can start now by simply asking yourself what roles you play and why they matter to you and to the world.
The more I sifted through the sand to find the gems, the richer I realized my spiritual inheritance was for building the life I was meant for. Precisely because of my upbringing with the parents, friends and mentors I have, the scrutiny of my youth has been transformed. They taught me discipline, resilience and discernment in the face of the criticism that was once crippling. My mother taught me how discipline and instruction were tools for growth. My mentor taught me how to return to my inner person, the one the Creator meant for me to always be. My father taught me to dive below the surface of shallow words to find the deeper meaning that would help shape me for my purpose. I know today that it is because of my spiritual heritage that being called up is an opportunity I won’t let pass me by.
Haley was raised in Austin, Texas, but has now been in NYC for more than six years. She currently works as an independent consultant on marketing and communications strategy and resides in the West Village. She is passionate about orphan and foster care advocacy, volunteering for The New York Foundling and Many Hopes.