When We Discover True Self-Love
“
parts of our lives we hide behind a mask, dreading the day someone may pull it off and reveal our ‘bad and ugly.’”
Photo by Janelle Pol
‘Tis the season all my single ladies…
post nail and spa salon selfies with #selflove. But can we get real for a minute? It’s pretty easy to practice self-love when we focus on the qualities we like about ourselves, and maybe even the attributes other people like too. But where does that leave the parts of ourselves we don’t love?
I think we need to talk about how we should love ourselves fully when there are traits we keep hidden and tucked away — parts of our lives we hide behind a mask, dreading the day someone may pull it off and reveal our “bad and ugly.”
FEARING WE’RE UNLOVEABLE
I very much fear this day. I think we all do — not just because our vulnerable places will come to light, but because we have convinced ourselves (and have let the world convince us) those parts are unloveable. We tell ourselves if someone were to see them — to see the fullness of who we truly are — they might not love us. Sometimes we even think God can’t possibly love us.
Watching Soundtrack on Netflix one night reminded me of my own areas of self-loathing. A montage of the main character’s Rolodex of failed relationships instantly brought me back to painful experiences in my own past. Several times I’d been involved with a guy, thinking we were on our way to making our relationship official. But when we went out in public with friends, he wouldn’t acknowledge me, and would even flirt with and kiss other women, leaving me embarrassed, confused and emotionally abandoned. Instead of walking away, I stuck around, in some way trying to prove I was worth more than the treatment I received. Instead, I began to lose my dignity and got emotionally dragged down on the way. I cringed watching the episode of Soundtrack as I reflected on those memories.
For a long time, I punished this younger version of myself. I spit shame at her, called her “stupid” for repeatedly allowing men to treat her that way, and was ashamed she didn’t think she deserved better. I actually became complicit in my own emotional abuse and suffering.
Anytime memories of those situations came to mind, I quickly stuffed them down deep, fearing this version of myself might resurface long enough for someone to pull off the mask and either judge or reject me, or take advantage of my vulnerability.
DISCOVERING WE ARE TRULY LOVED
But I didn't have to be afraid. With Jesus, I discovered a love that reaches for that girl, and instead of shaming her, loves her and teaches me to have compassion for her too. Jesus’ love and grace give me strength to examine myself and grow in understanding of who I was and why I behaved that way back then. His love ultimately leads me to healing.
I can now look back at that young woman and be moved to tears. My heart swells with so much love for her, wanting to pull her in and whisper “you deserve so much better,” but still not shaming her for not knowing or believing it to be true. What makes this reaction possible is knowing that, in those moments, Jesus looked at me with even greater compassion and understanding because he knew me fully and loved every part of me. Jesus waited for the day that our paths would cross so he could redeem and restore every part of me.
I’ve come to understand that no part of me is unlovable because Jesus loved me then just as much as he loves me now. Jesus didn’t die just for a better version of myself. The Bible says he died for me before I even knew who he was — including when I was naive, afraid, and unable to let go of unhealthy relationships. Because of that demonstration of his love, I am now able to look back and love that girl accepting she is a part of who I am today. That is self-love.
What does #selflove mean to you? Are there traits of yourself that you find hard to love?
Bria was born and raised in the northeast area of the Bronx where she lived for twenty-one years. She works remotely for Vermont-based Population Media Center, an international nonprofit implementing entertainment-education to promote a sustainable planet with equal rights for all.