How Faith Makes Room to See Beyond Fear and Anxiety

“I’m learning not to look too far into the future. I am only given today, right now, and I want to live this moment well.”

Photo by Janelle Pol

As a child, up until about the age of twelve, I didn’t sleep in my room alone. I lived with my two older sisters who were gracious enough to let their little sister sleep by their sides night after night. Looking back, I appreciate their generosity even more, as I don’t even allow my ten year old niece to share a bed with me. I never gave much thought to why I couldn’t sleep alone, but clarity came in recent years as I discovered I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).

LIVING WITH GAD

Generalized Anxiety Disorder isn’t fun. It consists of redundant worrisome thoughts and feelings. I was diagnosed by a health specialist with GAD after I experienced some numbness in my body. GAD is different from regular anxiety, which everyone experiences, because GAD can be triggered by small things. Anxiety is normally triggered by big life challenges. I was experiencing anxiety about things such as leaving the house, rejection, or having difficult conversations, to the point of obsessively thinking about these things. For me, there doesn’t have to be a crisis going on in my life in order for me to worry; the anxiety can be set off by anything. A hint of annoyance in a friend’s voice. A mistake I made in a conversation. Questions like: Is there enough money in my bank account? Am I making enough progress in my personal growth? Did I turn the stove off? When I’m in this questioning, worrying state I am not living my life well. I am living my life distracted, tense, self-absorbed, and stressed. 

When these thoughts and questions cascade in my mind, my tendency is to pay them too much attention. I focus on them, analyze them, obsess over them, and try to come up with a solution. Sometimes I act on them -  which works out sometimes and other times, not so much. For example, a few years ago I brought a bed bug back to my apartment (accidentally) after being out of town. I was sitting at my desk and out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement scatter across my white sheet. I panicked. I had that dreadful feeling of one’s worst nightmare coming true. I pulled back a fold in the sheet and sure enough, there it was. Flat, copper, and menacing. 

Every New Yorker’s dread.

I was able to catch it and kill it. Two exterminators came. I packed my room up into black trash bags and lived off a small portion of my clothes. I sprinkled diatomaceous earth on my floor. In a frenzy, I washed and dried my entire wardrobe, including my beautiful teal Tevas. What was the result? Shrunken Tevas, probably some damaged clothes, the loss of a major part of my wardrobe, and a crazy looking twenty-two year old too afraid to enter her own apartment. That summer was spent in fear. The absurd part of it is that the bed bug I saw was probably the ONLY one. But I hyper-focused on it and went overboard in trying to take care of the problem. As a result of this, I lost peace of mind, not to mention many pieces of clothing. This wasn’t living my life well. The worry and angst stole my valuable time and resources. 

That’s what my anxiety disorder does to me. I am capable of turning a molehill into a mountain, and this is still something I struggle with, six years later. 

PRACTICAL WAYS TO MANAGE ANXIETY

However, the beautiful thing about challenges - yes, even mental health challenges - is that they can be managed and even overcome. 

Right now, I am experiencing another rough patch with my anxiety. It has been flaring up more consistently and it’s been exhausting. It’s easy for me to believe that I will not be able to manage this, but that’s not the truth. 

Some practical ways that I have been managing my anxiety are believing that I can do difficult things, training my thoughts with scripture, praying, and talking about my worries with trusted friends. Sometimes when I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious, it’s because I am believing the lie that I can’t handle or do something. I’ve started telling myself, “I can do difficult things.” I am starting to believe that I truly can.

Oftentimes, GAD can cause you to feel sad, worried, fearful, and even hopeless. During these times I let out tears and pray through scriptures like James 1:2-4. I text my friends for help and prayer. I read a book. I meditate. I take a nap. I go for a walk to the park. I listen to Jesus’ beckoning to me through creation and through his words. I am reminded that in him is life, he has overcome, and he wants to help me to do the same. These are the things that help me to believe, and in those difficult moments, help me manage and live my life well today. These are the things that I will strive to do consistently to help me get past (and eventually overcome) GAD, but I’m learning not to look too far into the future. I am only given today, right now, and I want to live this moment well. 

I don’t know if I’ll ever be cured of GAD, but when I reflect on the lessons I learned from the bed bug incident, I am encouraged. I am encouraged because the issue wasn’t really the bed bug. In hindsight, I acted swiftly and wisely by killing it and getting an exterminator. I can see now that I was allowing my anxiety to control me, but eventually my life went back to normal. I am encouraged because I survived and learned not to obsess over things I can’t control. 

LIVING LIFE WITH FAITH NOT FEAR

I don’t want to treat my GAD like I treated that bed bug. I wasted several days of a beautiful summer obsessing over one bug. I lost some precious items. I looked downright mad. (I was so scared that I ate dinner in the bathtub. It was the only safe place.) I want to live my life with faith, not fear and worry. 

Faith makes room for the mind to see the resources God has given us: first and foremost, Jesus. When I allow faith to make space in my mind, I am able to recognize Jesus as my hero. The one who can get me through anything. The one who can give me peace. The one who calms the storm of my mind. Once I focus on him, I am able to recognize the other resources he’s given me: friends, journaling, writing, nature, therapy, gratitude, music. The list goes on. 

Living life well isn’t about having a perfect life with no difficulties. Living life well is about living by and through faith. Now, I don’t want to sound as if the life of faith is always easy. Activating faith takes consistent effort, moment by moment, footstep by footstep. For me, a lot of times faith looks like trusting that God is comforting me at this moment. Just simply acknowledging it and believing it. 

The good news is that Jesus is willing to be with you and help you each moment and step of the way. Friendship with him, believing that he is there and willing to help, makes difficult situations more manageable. 

My hope is for you to live life well...through him. I want to encourage you by walking you through how I pray scripture using James 1:2. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”

Now let’s make this scripture personal:

“God, help me to see this trial as an opportunity for pure joy. Help me to believe that the testing of my faith, the testing of my knowledge of who you are, is helping me to persevere. Help me to experience this joy and fight for this perseverance. Amen.”