How To Build A Foundation For Forgiveness
“Learning to forgive in the simplest ways can help us forgive in far bigger ways.”
Photo by Janelle Pol
One significant event in my life taught me the power of forgiveness and how to build a foundation for a lifetime of both forgiving and being forgiven.
In middle school, I was bullied by a girl named Martha.* One day, my friend and I came up with a plan to get her back. Well, the plan backfired badly: later that day on the playground, Martha came after me. She twisted my arm and broke it.
I felt frustrated having a broken arm and though I was in a lot of pain, some good came out of that incident. Forgiveness played an important role in the beginning of the end of Martha bullying me, and eventual friendship. Bringing in the help of other trustworthy people helped too. After long talks with my parents, mentorship from adults at my church, and a lot of prayer, I felt compelled to forgive Martha.
After the incident, Martha avoided me and would even run away. Everyone at school “took my side.” Martha was left isolated and ashamed. Though she regretted breaking my arm, I think she felt even worse that I forgave her. Martha didn’t believe she deserved forgiveness. But that’s the beauty of being forgiven! We can be forgiven even when we don’t deserve it. When we forgive and let ourselves be forgiven, the shame, anger, messiness, and bonds can melt away. We feel free.
THE BASIS OF FORGIVENESS
Around the same time, I learned that God forgives us for our anger, our mistakes, and the way we mistreat others. He can mend broken relationships and bring freedom to our lives and wholeness to situations. I realized God forgives me and he forgives Martha. In this context, forgiving Martha made sense to me.
Sometimes, forgiveness doesn’t just mean extending forgiveness to a person, but asking him or her for forgiveness, too. One day, I asked Martha to forgive me for the times I had provoked her, and for any way I made her feel threatened and like she needed to retaliate. Asking for forgiveness can make a person feel valued and cared for. Martha lit up at my request and forgave me instantly.
The power of forgiveness is so strong that distorted relationships can be turned around. Martha and I eventually became friends. We put our differences aside and would hang out after school all the time. It definitely took some time, and often felt awkward, but today we are both better because of it.
We live in different cities now, but Martha and I catch up on Facebook. She is a police officer. How beautiful is that? She brings justice to people and keeps bullies away from innocent people.
LESSONS FROM LEARNING TO FORGIVE
You might be thinking that this is a story from middle school, but you are battling some deep, multi-layer, intergenerational situations that need forgiveness. I hear you. The lessons learned in forgiving Martha have built a foundation for forgiving in far harder, more complicated and exhausting circumstances. Learning to forgive in the simplest ways can help us forgive in far bigger ways.
Learning to forgive has also helped me to lean into the feelings that come with it: confidence, love, stability, and peace, to name a few. These feelings give me the freedom to give other people a chance. But I can also do this because God has given me a chance to be changed by his forgiveness and have a new relationship with him, even though it was once distorted. God’s forgiveness envelopes me in the best way possible, so I seek to envelop others with those feelings, too.
How has forgiveness played out in your life? Have you seen people’s lives transformed by forgiveness?
*name changed out of respect!
Hope Arcuri lives in downtown Manhattan and works for the global humanitarian aid organization International Rescue Committee (IRC). She manages IRC’s communications about its international programs. She also writes her own personal blog at www.wordsofhopeblog.com.