Forgiving Micro-slights And Mini-betrayals
“Over time, these small offenses piled up and contributed to low-grade anxiety, anger, and irritability.”
Photo by Janelle Pol
Recently a group of close girlfriends and I were discussing the question, “Who do you need to forgive?” At first, no one came to mind. No enemies here. But as I thought about my answer, I could suddenly see the list of people whose micro-slights and mini-betrayals were catalogued in my mind. If you’re a normal person with feelings, you might have this lineup too.
I knew it was time to let them go for two major reasons that were suddenly staring me in the face.
FIRST, FORGIVEN PEOPLE FORGIVE
I’m not a perfect person, and being forgiven for my imperfections by Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross is the core of my personal faith. So how in the world could I receive such an enormous gift and not extend small, daily forgiveness to people in my life?
Upon reflection, I was holding on to these grievances passively. In my mind, they were too small to warrant a proactive forgiveness process, so they just lingered. Run me over with your car and I’ll work on forgiving you. Forget to invite me to a party, and I’ll nurse a little emotional papercut for way too long. Over time, these small offenses piled up and contributed to low-grade anxiety, anger, and irritability.
Forgiveness features prominently in the prayer Jesus taught us to pray: “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” When we understand that we are forgiven by God, this gives us fuel for extending forgiveness to others. Letting go of offenses in daily prayers is helping me acknowledge, release, and heal from small hurts on a more regular basis. It’s helping me practice being quick to forgive.
SECOND, FORGIVENESS SETS YOU FREE
As I thought through all those unforgiven moments, I noticed the bitterness that came with them and the urge to reach for my glass of wine or another nibble of chocolate. Those are good things to enjoy, but not in the service of medicating an unforgiving heart.
Rob Reimer tells a story in his book Soul Care about this dynamic. Some years ago, a man in his church spread false rumors about him, saying he had cheated on his wife and was stealing money from the church. Neither accusation was true and Rob was furious. Any time he thought of the man his anger would rush in, followed by temptations to engage in comforting unhealthy actions that he habitually turned to in order to deal with anger.
We all have ways of coping with pain and unpleasant feelings, but if our medicators are immoral or have a numbing, addicting quality, they can cause additional harm and prevent true healing. So, if Rob used alcohol or drugs to numb his feelings about these unfair accusations, not only would the original anger still be there, but he could also further damage his life and relationships. He might feel guilty about a drinking binge, and then to manage that guilt, he might feel tempted to drink more. This is how unforgiveness can trigger additional pain and heartache in our lives.
Rob prayed about this and got the sense that God was inviting him to bless the man who was spreading the rumors. It was the last thing he wanted to do and it felt impossible at first, but he began to direct blessings in his thoughts toward this man. Eventually, the anger faded, the temptations went away, and with practice, he was able to sincerely forgive the man.
Carrying around old hurts leaves your mind vulnerable to these kinds of triggers and cascading anger, bitterness, and temptations to comfort ourselves in ways that aren’t holy or healthy. Forgiveness is the way out of these patterns.
RECOGNIZE, LEARN, PRACTICE
When we recognize our need for forgiveness, learn to forgive daily, and practice blessing the people who’ve hurt us, we keep our hurts in perspective and dismantle the trigger — coping cycles that come with hanging onto our hurts.
Importantly, Rob Reimer counsels that forgiveness should be commensurate with the amount of pain caused. So a cup of pain needs a cup of forgiveness. A ten-gallon offense might mean getting into trauma counseling and working with a spiritual director to begin to approach forgiveness and healing.
Regardless of whether our hurts are large or small, when we proactively engage forgiveness, we can begin to experience the healing peace of being freed from offenses.
Laura Cave is a writer and marketer living in New York City. She is the author of Good News, Great Joy for All People, an advent devotional. You can read more of her writing on Medium.