How To Recognize A Toxic Romantic Relationship: Codependency
We are delighted to have Jessica sharing information with us on recognizing a codependent relationship. Don’t panic if you see yourself in these descriptions – there is help and hope! We know it may be hard to come to terms with, but if you see yourself in these symptoms, that’s an important step toward a healthier future.
Here’s what Jessica is teaching us:
We tend to minimize our risk of being ensconced in a toxic relationship, thinking that if we ever found ourselves in one, we would leave unquestioningly. And that may be true, for some of us.
One kind of toxic relationship is defined by codependency. Instead of a natural give-and-take that is found within healthy relationships, this type of partnership is dysfunctional because one person gets all of their emotional and self-esteem needs met (either by their partner or through an addiction), while the other person forfeits their wants and needs.
The person who appears to be winning in this partnership is the “taker,” and the person who seems to be losing is the “giver.” Even though history is filled with long-term partnerships that may be defined by codependency, the reality is that both parties lose in this type of relationship.
Typically the person who loses the most is the “giver.” The first step toward recognizing whether you are at risk of being the “giver” in a codependent partnership is by being conscious of your personal risk factors. Darlene Lancer, a marriage and family therapist, identified twelve major symptoms of codependency for the “giver” (PsychCentral, 2018):
low self-esteem
the urge to people-please
poor interpersonal boundaries
strong emotional reactivity to others
the urge to care-take at the expense of self
the need to control others
difficulty being honest about true feelings
obsessively worrying about making mistakes in relation to others
the need for others to increase self-esteem
the need to deny longing for love and intimacy
the need to deny longing for separateness
the fear of being abandoned or judged
The more symptoms one has, the more likely a person will have difficulty getting one’s true needs met in a relationship.
Even though both parties lose in a codependent partnership, the “giver” tends to fare worse. If you identify as having many of the symptoms listed above of the “giver,” identify yourself as being the “giver” in your current relationship, and/or assess that you have a pattern of being a “giver” in many of your past relationships, it might be beneficial to learn all you can about the pitfalls and other consequences of being in this type of partnership.
“A ‘giver’ typically experiences confusion over whether they have the right to protect themselves within a relationship.”
Photo by Fletkefoto
The hallmark of a codependent relationship is that the “giver” considers her needs to be less important than her partner’s, and will compulsively behave as if this were true. A person who has grown up around someone with an addiction or an illness sometimes learns to put their needs last, which can lead to being drawn (sometimes unconsciously) to “takers” as prospective mates. Even if it’s not ideal, at least it’s familiar.
A “giver” typically experiences confusion over whether they have the right to protect themselves within a relationship. In order to make sure their partner is happy, they might constantly wonder if they are asking for too much or too little, repeatedly question how much they can be honest with their partner, and/or continually ignore their desire for some alone time. Even though this confusion may cause internal conflict and deplete emotional energy, there is usually some secondary gain in the role of being a “giver,” such as winning praise for having “a heart of gold.”
It could be disconcerting to realize one’s codependent traits as a “giver,” yet entirely understandable, based on one’s past experiences. There are twelve-step groups devoted to helping those who struggle with codependency. Not everyone will want or need this level of support; it may be enough to know the symptoms to make sure you don’t unwittingly fall into this kind of toxic relationship. And if you find yourself in a codependent partnership, all is not lost. But remember, it takes two to tango.
If you see yourself having many of the symptoms of codependency, have a history of losing yourself within relationships, and/or have survived a home where trauma, chronic illness, addiction or abuse were present, you might want to check out a Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) Twelve-Step group for yourself. The goal of this group is to help people achieve healthy and loving relationships.
Here is a link for CoDA groups in New York City: https://www.nyccoda.org/meetings.
As we mentioned at the beginning, if you find yourself in a codependent relationship, all is not lost. But don’t stay there. It is very important to realize that you are worthy of love and a healthy relationship. If you need to, take the first step -- and do it for you. You’re worth it.
Jessica Minieri is a licensed professional counselor who works with at-risk teens and families. She lives in Fairfield County, Connecticut with her husband and son. Her passion is showing people they are deeply and truly loved.