Dealing With A Toxic Romantic Relationship
“I let him take what he wanted because I was afraid of being rejected and left alone.”
Photo by Janelle Pol
Toxic. That’s really the only way to describe my relationship.
Back in 2017, I let a slow poisoning of my mind, body and soul take place through my romantic entanglement. I became a shadow of myself. I morphed into a pale image of what I thought this guy desired.
I was miserable. I felt this man never knew the real me. I let him take what he wanted because I was afraid of being rejected and left alone. As a result, I was never fully myself and instead played the part. Despite the fact that he mistreated me, I depended on him for my feelings of worth. I feared being my authentic self because, deep down, I didn’t believe I was loveable as “just me.”
As horrible as this relationship was, my own role in allowing it to fester did not spring up out of nowhere. It blossomed from hurt, disappointment, and compromise built up over years in my romantic relationships with men. I had developed a warped view of romance and love, thinking I had to act a particular way or say certain things. If I followed the rules I had created, I would “win” the right partner.
FINDING FREEDOM
Cycles and deep-rooted beliefs like this don't break easily. In hindsight, I feel my own freedom was nothing short of a miracle. One evening, as I watched a documentary, I found myself suddenly moved to tears by the brokenness of people's lives. I recognized myself in their desperation and could see all at once that my life and emotions were just as broken. I hated myself for the damage I had done. But, at that moment, I also heard the voice of God, a quiet whisper that said “But I still love you”. God stepped into the muck and mire that was my self-image and what I thought I was worthy of. As I switched off the documentary, I realized that God had always known the ugliest parts of me and yet he still loved me “just as I was.”
As part of a transformation that changed the whole pattern of my life, in 2018 — with great reluctance — I finally broke off the toxic relationship and committed myself to a year of no dating. I realized I had insecurities that needed healing, and romantic attention had become a counterfeit comfort to distract me. So one year, no guys, no crushes, just Anna. And honestly, it was painful, slow and uncomfortable. But over those 12 months, I learned I had validation without a guy. My perception of love was completely reworked to believe all that God says about me. That I am worthy of real love and I have value in him. I raised the standard for how I was willing to be treated. It would have been impossible to break the powerful need for affirmation from men, had it not been for the truth of God’s acceptance of me and love for me, despite all my mistakes and failings.
TRANSFORMING DATING
I recently started dating again, but with a transformed attitude. I have set clear and definitive standards in my mind and heart about how I am willing to be treated: with nothing short of respect, honour, and dignity. I apply those standards to everything from small actions — like whether my date is responding to texts and being intentional about communication — to bigger character issues, such as showing integrity, honesty and personal responsibility. For my part, to love myself well means letting myself be pursued rather than pursuing others, being radically authentic and unafraid of the reaction. It is to actually see myself as the prize God says I am, to be won over by the right godly partner and not freely given to just anyone. I have learned to protect my heart and decontaminate my behaviors from toxic codependency by continually living in the truth of who I am in God’s estimation.
Are you compromising your standards for fear of not being loved? Are you in a relationship where you are less than yourself? You are already so loved and deserve so much more.