3 Tips to "Survive" the Holidays

Photo by Alex Haney

Some of us get quiet when the conversation turns to favorite carols, deciding how to decorate, or booking flights home. Some of us are up late Googling “How to survive the holidays.” The holiday season can be quite the opposite of the “the hap-happiest season of all” for various reasons:

- It brings up memories of grief or trauma — losing loved ones or spending holidays with less than safe family members. 

- The thought of going home for the holidays gives you nightmares. Perhaps the past years have been intense experiences of family dysfunction.

- The commercialization of the holiday season is discouraging; all you can think about are high-stress levels, credit card debt, and the Black Friday death count. 

That has been my experience throughout the years of “holidaying” in America, which has made the season more like a trip to the dentist office: I numb out and just grin and bear it. Maybe you can relate.  

MAKE THIS YEAR DIFFERENT

I am determined to approach this holiday season differently. I don’t want to spend another holiday becoming Ms. Scrooge, nor do I want to pretend and hide my aching heart under an ugly Christmas sweater. 

If that’s your goal, too, here are three tips on how to celebrate differently, in ways that allow you to acknowledge the reality of what has happened in the past, still celebrate in the present, and embrace a hopeful future.  

Tip #1 - CREATE A TRADITION OF REMEMBRANCE

I lost my grandfather unexpectedly the day after Thanksgiving and it truly gave a new meaning to the phrase “Black Friday.” It has made the last few Thanksgiving celebrations very tough to get through. My approach always was to simply sweep it under the rug. No one wants to hear about your dead “Opa,” even though that’s all you can think about.  However, that approach only made me feel more isolated and buried under the grief. 

If you have lost someone dear to you and the thought of Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner without them makes you want to skip the whole season altogether, consider creating a way to remember and honor that person as part of the way you celebrate. 

- If you host a dinner, light a candle in his or her honor. 

- Write that loved one an “If you were here” note or invitation. Acknowledge you miss him or her and write down the impact and importance of their life.  

- Ask a close friend to sit with you over a pumpkin spice latte or hot cocoa, and share memories of that person. Make sure it’s someone who can sit through the wide range of emotions that will come.  

This year, I plan to sit with a friend, play some jazz music my “Opa” would have enjoyed, and tell my friend a few of my favorite memories of him. 

Tip #2 - ESTABLISH HEALTHY HOLIDAY BOUNDARIES

If going home for the holidays makes you queasy and might require two extra preparatory counseling sessions, consider making alternative holiday plans. Sometimes returning to the scene of continual dysfunction and trauma feels masochistic rather than courageous or brave. Deciding to graciously decline an invitation to go back home and choosing to celebrate in a different way this year may help you embrace the holiday season in a more empowered and healthy way.  

- Stay in the city and say “yes” to an invitation to a ‘Friendsgiving’ dinner or a friend’s Christmas dinner. 

- Plan and host a small gathering of your own.

- Flying solo? Create a Christmas playlist of your own holiday, or non-holiday faves, and celebrate in a way that brings peace and joy to your soul. 

Last year, my out-of-town job prevented me from going home during the holidays. Those circumstances forced me to craft a different Christmas Day. I spent the morning by myself listening to Christmas tunes that reminded me of childhood, mixed with some contemporary tunes that always make me smile. I FaceTimed my family for about an hour, and then I enjoyed Christmas dinner and a Christmas movie with a friend. As I reflect back on that day, I realize my soul felt lighter than it had in the past few years. Changing up the routine proved to be helpful for me, it can be for you, too. 

Tip #3 - EMBRACE A NEW WORLDVIEW

If reports of people being trampled on Black Friday or your personal circumstances have you wondering why we even sing Joy to the World anymore, you might need a new worldview.  

We all have a worldview, even though we may not be aware of it, that affects the way we see the world around us. Your worldview may leave you feeling frustrated and discouraged when you look around at your present cultural moment. Taking time to assess a new worldview could bring hope into your holiday season. This is what it has done for me.

There seems to be no solution to our heartbreak — the addiction and abuse that have plagued our families, the deaths that have stolen loved ones — except to acknowledge the pain, trauma, or family-of-origin dysfunction behind closed doors with a therapist. 

Yet, when we view the heartbreak with a worldview shaped by the overarching story in the Bible, we discover an answer to our pain — one of hope. 

I have found answers to my questions with this incredible worldview. It reassures me God is doing something about all the trauma, pain, and violence in the world, and confirms my frustrating moments of 2019 do not get the final say.  

The hope comes through the Christmas story of redemption, which brings deep solace to our broken hearts and world. The birth of Christ is pivotal in God’s colossal rescue and restoration mission for humanity. The life of Jesus initiated a supernatural movement of hope, love, and peace. The climax of the story of redemption is Jesus’ death and coming back to life. The story doesn’t end there. It proceeds with restoring individual hearts, and eventually will end with renewing the whole earth, even though that may seem hard to believe today. Justice will rule, peace will be normalized, and love will be inevitable. We aren’t there yet, but that’s what we are moving toward. 

Seeing life through this worldview finally gives me something to sing about. “Joy to the world,” indeed! This year, I’ll say cheers to that! It can do the same for you, too.

In September, we explored and discussed how to set and communicate healthy boundaries — check out those articles here.