Facing the Holidays With Insecurities
Photo by Janelle Pol
Have you ever met someone whose face made your heart skip a beat, or whose attention made you glance behind you and point to yourself like, “Who, me?”
That was me when I unexpectedly met a really cute guy back in March. We instantly connected. As we began building our friendship, we talked for hours, prayed together and laughed so much that it almost felt impossible not to enjoy one another’s company. A couple of months later, over tacos and margaritas, he expressed his interest and intention of pursuing something more than just a friendship—like I prayed he would.
NOT BEING ENOUGH
But sometime in July, I noticed a change in his communication and the vibe of our relationship.
After plans for him to visit NYC were suddenly canceled, conversations and expressed intentions to see one another became less and less consistent. Something felt off.
The alarms in my head began sounding and my insecurities were being triggered. All the old questions and lies came swarming in as I tried to fill the gaps about why things were changing. Was he no longer interested? Did he find someone else? Am I not exciting or enticing enough? It was non-stop.
Instead of stepping outside of myself to consider this might be a reflection of something going on with him, I let the voices in my head point their fingers of blame at me. Of course it was too good to be true. Why would you get your hopes up? You know no one finds you worth sticking around for.
REPLACING THE DOUBTS
Those voices were loud, but I am grateful for God, because He has helped me to remember his truth in times when those voices want to drag me down.
There are so many encouraging truths to cling to, like when God says, “I am all you need.”
In quiet moments, I am reminded by words like these that God sees me in everything I am and everything I’m not, and he loves me exactly as he finds me. I don’t need to be any more or less than who he has called me to be. He created me and is the only one who can tell me who I am and what I am worth.
God is where I come from; God is why I am here. In him I am enough — and my insecurities and doubts are ultimately powerless in the face of love like that.
If I’m being honest, I pridefully thought I was over the struggle of questioning my worth and value based on whether or not a man wanted me. Nevertheless, as I spiraled into the various questions of whether or not I was enough, Jesus stepped in. By spending time with him in prayer, and listening to what his Spirit says through the Bible, I was able to see that I was still rooting my security in my own self-image and waiting for the attention of a man to validate me. But all I needed was to remember how God sees me, and that he loves what he sees.
As the summer came to a close, it became clear that this just wasn’t the right time for me and the guy who made my heart skip to be more than friends. Despite my expectations, I’m not showing up to Thanksgiving dinner with a ‘boo thang’ on my arm this year. Womp.
More importantly though, through this relationship, God revealed a blind spot in me. And before I got the chance to make a mess of myself like I have in the past, God swooped in and protected me with truth about his love and commitment. For that, I am thankful — and can say with conviction that although it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, none of the summer happenings were a waste.
My prayer is that no matter how things work out (or don’t) in our dating lives, we believe our Creator when he says “You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you” just because of the simple fact that he created us, loves us and wants a relationship with us just as we are. Root yourself in his constant love.
What ways are you struggling this holiday season to believe you’re enough?
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Bria lives in the northeast area of the Bronx, where she was born and raised. She works remotely for Vermont-based Population Media Center, an international nonprofit implementing entertainment-education to improve the rights of women and girls and environmental protections.