Letting Go of the Need to Feel Busy
“The good news is that rest can look like so many different things — one size definitely does not fit all! That’s why I encourage you to explore what rest looks like for you.”
Photo by Janelle Pol
Ironic as it may sound, it can be hard to rest. So much of our lives is centered around activity — mostly out of necessity, but sometimes out of wanting to feel busy. We need to work to provide for ourselves and our families. We need to take care of those who depend on us. We need to maintain our homes and health. And of course we like to feel productive. I sure do.
But sometimes being busy is a bit overrated. Have you noticed that? I have, especially when it doesn’t bring the satisfaction I expect it to. Being busy nudges me to see all the things I still need to work on, so I often end up feeling a bit defeated even though I’m “busy” being productive.
I’ve come to realize that I will always have something I am working to achieve in some area of my life, whether it’s personal or professional. Goals are a good thing -- but rest is an essential thing. So how can we hit the pause button on needing to constantly be working towards a goal?
1. Give yourself permission to rest.
Give yourself permission to leave a task incomplete for now, move a task to another day to complete, or in some cases, accept that you’ve done all you can for a specific goal. Resting can be a choice that impacts our bodies, minds, and emotions.
Resting might not be something that comes naturally to you, and it might feel weird when you first start being intentional about it. Give yourself grace to rest.
2. Let go of the guilt.
We might feel guilty about giving ourselves permission to rest. Why? I believe it’s because our culture views busyness as a sign of importance. “If you’re not busy, then you must not be that important.” Who wants to feel like that? Certainly not me, so I’m going to be as busy as possible (if I buy into this line of thinking). I’m going to get involved in as much as I can — perhaps because I enjoy some of the activities — so that I’m not “bored.” As I’ve matured a bit over the years, I’ve realized that I become mentally and physically drained if I’m constantly going. Getting sick will slow you down really quickly. Also getting a bit older and not having the same energy level as I did in my early twenties has helped me evaluate where my energy is going.
3. Take a break to gain a fresh perspective.
You know how it feels when words are on the tip of your tongue, but you can’t quite figure out how to verbalize what you’re thinking? Think about something else for a moment, and voila! The words reappear. A break from your activity can also help bring that clarity. Our brain resets as we sleep, and true rest can help to sort out a lot in our lives as well.
“But resting is boring. I’m an active person and I don’t like sitting around,” you might be saying. I get that. The good news is that rest can look like so many different things -- one size definitely does not fit all! That’s why I encourage you to explore what rest looks like for you. Assuming it’s at least taking a break from your job, what else could it be? Maybe it’s taking a walk with a friend, having a neighbor over for a meal, re-evaluating your activities (probably something you’ve already done since being in COVID lockdowns), deciding what relationships to spend more or less time and energy on, and/or considering what interests you may want to pursue.
Just as I encourage my clients in therapy to explore different coping skills to see what helps them feel better, I’d recommend the same approach to you: try a few things to figure out what rest means for you. It could be physical, mental, or emotional rest, or perhaps something that achieves all three. Get creative and think outside of the box.
For me, it generally looks like spending time with my husband and two young boys. We also enjoy having time for the two of us once they are asleep. Sometimes while the boys are napping, I have time to do whatever I want. I try to be intentional about how I spend that time, instead of cleaning or folding laundry. Sometimes I’m actually successful!
Resting can feel hard because it’s counter cultural, but it’s absolutely necessary for our holistic health. Consider what changes you want to make in your life to build in time for rest.
Carly Graham is a licensed professional counselor in northern New Jersey. She holds a Bachelor of Science degree in communication studies from James Madison University and a Master of Arts in Biblical counseling from Dallas Theological Seminary. She currently provides counseling services to individuals who are walking through postpartum depression, infertility, miscarriage, and infant loss. She and her husband Jonathan live in New Jersey with their two sons.