Navigating the Empty Promises of Perfection
“Not only is there pressure in our culture to achieve the American ideal (i.e., money, family, status, etc.), but there is pressure to do so perfectly—that is, without faltering.”
Photo by SOCIAL CUT
Growing up, I was fortunate in that I was given many opportunities to achieve all that this world has to offer as per the American Dream: a college education, professional connections, and a corporate position. However, no amount of privilege, education, or connections prepared me for the cold hard truth. According to this culture, you will never be enough, have enough, or achieve enough. And you will never be, have, or achieve anything worthwhile unless you do so perfectly.
Not only is there pressure in our culture to achieve the American ideal (i.e., money, family, status, etc.), but there is pressure to do so perfectly—that is, without faltering.
This is graduation season; a time when most young adults are looking forward to unlimited potential ahead of them. Some are going to college, some to technical training, and some to full time jobs. Whatever their next steps, many Americans teach their children that whatever direction they choose, they must go into the world with a plan of action and pursue it in a perfect way.
BEARING THE BRUNT OF SHAME
Having a plan and striving for excellence are important, but where did the need to be perfect become the ideal? I understand the disappointment of striving toward dreams that are either fraught with difficulty or never come to pass. But the question is, why do we bear the brunt of shame when we fall short of achieving a goal, especially when a myriad of other circumstances could have played a part in blocking our goals?
I’ve seen many people — myself included — become immobilized due to unforeseen rejection or disappointment. It’s as if we’re blindsided when we find that the path forward wasn’t as easy as we thought. For some reason, we blame ourselves and our deficiencies if our goals are delayed or never achieved.
About five years ago, I experienced a major career set-back. It took me a long time to process the disappointment and self-imposed shame. It didn’t matter that the issues were “not my fault.” All that mattered was that my path wasn’t straightforward like all of the other smart and talented people I knew. Among other problematic ways of thinking, I was comparing my insides to other people’s outsides.
THE PROBLEM WITH PERFECTION
The trouble with perfectionism is the illusion of control that it promises. Have you ever thought, “If I get ‘all A’s,’ host the most entertaining parties, become the best girlfriend, or am the last one to leave the office every night, people will love me and I will continue to succeed at my goals”? In a way, how I wish this were true! According to this recipe, life would be predictable and I would be successful.
The trouble is we can’t exert control over external forces at all times, which inevitably leaves us insecure and vulnerable. We might assume that some types of success yield greater success (and this makes sense in some cases), but external validation for our excellence or hard work is never guaranteed. When we don’t achieve the external validation that we’ve “arrived,” it doesn’t mean we’re failures or that we should stop trying.
The world is full of people who just keep trying, regardless of external rewards. These people know that life is a race of endurance and that the “Hero’s Journey” is one of risks, failures, and (if we’re lucky) some successes.
Because we’re human, we get stuck. Not only may we be grieving loss, but we also feel a nagging sense of shame that we never should have failed or experienced bumps along the way.
A social worker friend and I debated recently about whether social work students should be able to appeal their grades in graduate school. She believed that students should not have the ability to lobby for A’s even if they feel they deserve it, because it’s a good life lesson that life isn’t fair. I validated her perspective, but because I was still smarting from the career disappointment, I craved a way for people (like me) to advocate for their ability to be given a perfect grade if they felt they deserved it. (My desire for external validation is dying a slow, hard death.)
FINDING A BETTER PERSPECTIVE
Thankfully, there is yet another perspective about trying to be perfect or attain something in a perfect way. When we plug in to knowing how deeply we are loved by the God of the universe, and how we don’t need to prove anything to anyone, we know we will never be found wanting or shamed. We can strive with excellence and find we are exactly where we’re supposed to be and are acceptable as we are. How encouraging!
Jessica Minieri lives in Norwalk, CT and works as a psychotherapist. She loves spending time with her husband, son, and Tibetan Terrier named Oakley. When she is not taking short trips into New York City to explore new ethnic restaurants, she is walking the wooded trails with her family in Fairfield County, CT.