What I Will Remember About 2020 at the Start of 2021

“I realized the depth to which God was asking me to trust him, and that he is with me in every moment…And thankfully, that includes being stuck by myself during a pandemic.”

Photo by Chayene Rafaela

Someone recently asked me, “What is one thing you don’t want to forget about last year?” Honestly, at first, it was tempting to reply, “Absolutely nothing! 2020 was a disaster!” Knowing deep down this wasn’t completely true, I thought more deeply. “Desperation for God” immediately came to mind.

This time last year, I moved out of my childhood home in the northeast Bronx to Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love. I was excited about and looking forward to exploring a new city and living alone in my new apartment, creating and enjoying my own space. By March, I was getting acquainted with the city, building new friendships, and had finally decided on a church where I felt I could grow and thrive spiritually. Things seemed to be falling into place. 

Then the pandemic hit. 

THE ANXIETY

Quickly, the very place where I enjoyed freedom, independence, and creativity became a place where I felt trapped in fear, anxiety, and insecurity. I was completely alone. I faced a pandemic isolated in an apartment and in a city that didn’t yet feel like home. Everyone seemed to be talking about how quarantine brought a great opportunity to spend time with family and/or loved ones, but that wasn’t my reality. “You just had to move into an apartment by yourself, huh? And now look, you don’t have anybody in this mess. Everybody has somebody to be with, but you’re all alone, with no one to help you. You can’t do this.” Who could have known that a pandemic would hit three months after I moved? Nevertheless, I felt stupid and blamed myself for being in a position where I physically had no one.

Many nights, I wrestled with a level of anxiety I had never felt before in my life — lying in bed, trying to remind myself to breathe deeply as my heart pounded in my ears and chest. I desperately called out to God, not only praying for protection, but praying for his peace to wash over me so that I could calm down. “God, I don’t know what your will is for me. I don’t know if I’m gonna make it through the night. But I know that you’re here and I ask that you please put your hedge of protection around me. Please wrap your arms around me. I want to feel you, God. I need to feel you. I am so scared right now and I can’t go to sleep. Please fill the room with your presence and let your peace wash over me right now so that I can go to sleep. Hold me God. Please help me calm down. I need you.” I prayed to feel his presence and comfort as if he were a person lying right next to me, cuddling me. I literally begged to feel God physically because I had nothing else to hold onto — and that scared me.

In Isaiah 41:10, God says, “Don’t panic. I’m with you. There’s no need to fear, for I’m your God. I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you. I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.” I didn’t ever physically “feel” God’s firm grip wrapped around me at night, but I did feel his presence and strength, and I experienced help in a way that made it clear he was there and holding me steady.

THE COMFORT

One particular week, during a surge of riots and looting after news of George Floyd surfaced, it didn’t feel safe to leave my apartment and go shopping. Being down on groceries forced me to make do with whatever I had left. I had pretty much used everything and, one night, I had no idea what I was going to eat. Tempted to give in to fear and with my stomach rumbling, I prayed for strength and peace. Then a text notification brightened up my phone. It was my neighbor letting me know that she left dinner at my door. I opened the door, and there on the doormat sat a plate full of spaghetti and garlic bread. Just as I was down to the wire, God came through. At the beginning of quarantine, I had left an encouragement note with my number at this neighbor’s door just in case she needed anything. I knew many of the residents on my floor lived by themselves, so I wanted to be intentional about safely meeting, getting to know, and encouraging my neighbors. This small act had led to a close relationship with this neighbor. Now in my moment of need, God used her to provide for me — something I didn’t expect to happen when I left a note at her door that day. My neighbor had no clue what I was going through, but God knew. 

God does care about our individual and specific needs. He will show up when we cry out to him. He sees you and me. He hears you and me and, ultimately, is with us. He promises he will not abandon us in our time of need. We can trust him to provide. That spaghetti and garlic bread lasted until I was able to go grab groceries later that week.

THE TRUST

I joke and tell people “God was my partner, roommate, husband, best friend, mom, dad, brother, sister, everything. It was just the two of us up in that apartment!” At first, it was really scary and hard to adjust to being physically alone. However, in those desperate circumstances, I realized the depth to which God was asking me to trust him, and that he is with me in every moment. He’s the only one who can truly be with me, wherever I am, wherever I go, even when others aren’t able to be. And thankfully, that includes being stuck by myself during a pandemic.

We have no idea what 2021 has in store for us, but this gives us an opportunity. Instead of approaching it with trepidation and fear because of how 2020 turned out, we can approach the new year with hope and confidence in the God who promises to be with us, whatever the circumstances. Although there may be more uncertainty and change ahead, I know that I am surrounded by God and he is above all the noise. So whatever happens this year, I can trust that he’ll be there again, for better or worse. He is a faithful God and the source of true hope that I do not want to forget in 2020.

Is there something you’re facing right now where you could give God an opportunity to come through for you?