Where Insecurity Comes from and 3 Easy Steps to Help Overcome It
“Get to know a few friends really well. Develop close relationships where others know you and you know them. You will come to experience acceptance from them and also be able to give it to them, too.”
Photo by Janelle Pol
During my 20s, I was very insecure. This insecurity wasn’t focused so much on my appearance as it was on my ability to make good decisions. One of the things that helped me to overcome it was when friends and family members expressed support for me and my decisions. Knowing and hearing that they thought I was a good person with good intentions helped me slowly gain confidence. Also knowing they would help me figure things out if my plans did not turn out so well helped me know I had a place to “land.” I wasn’t alone in solving some major decisions.
Over time I came to realize that I felt more confident as I made seemingly small decisions, whether or not they turned out well, and I learned it was okay to try something regardless of the outcome.
Taking risks was necessary for me to discover what I wanted to do with my career, and with whom I wanted to develop close relationships. As I learned these lessons, I became aware that we all figure things out as we go along. While there are general principles of kindness and common sense we can follow, there unfortunately isn’t an ‘answer guide’ at the back of the textbook telling us the right answer (decision). We can and should seek out the wise counsel of those who have our best interests at heart, information from experts in the areas we’re considering, do our due diligence, and seek out our Creator, who, after all, designed us! Armed with all of this input, we can make decisions to try new things and set out with great hope as we discover the best path forward.
THE CAUSES OF INSECURITY
Insecurity is a common feeling for many people. It can come from internalizing how we think that others view us or based on how they treat us. It can also come from comparing ourselves to others - or what we think their reality is.
One of the causes for insecurity is a fear of failure. Naturally we don’t want to “fail.” We’re afraid it will make us look ignorant, dumb, or unskilled in front of others. We don’t want to feel embarrassed or diminish our credibility.
Sometimes, others will make fun of or take advantage of someone when they make a mistake; of course we all want to avoid this! These fears can cause us to second-guess our decisions to the point where we might flip-flop back and forth on a decision. But Proverbs 15:22 says, “Plans go wrong for lack of advice; many advisers bring success.” There’s nothing wrong -- and a lot that’s right -- about seeking out the support of others when we’re trying to make an important decision.
As a professional counselor, I can tell you that some personality types are more susceptible to insecurity. Others find themselves battling it due to their upbringing, especially if they were discouraged from opportunities to engage in new things as a young person. Sometimes we don’t know where it came from at all; we just know we are fighting it. So, how can we start overcoming insecurity?
1. Take courage! Know that you are not the only one to struggle with insecurity. So many of us do, but are embarrassed to talk about it. You are not alone, and you can absolutely develop confidence. It is more than possible!
2. Get to know a few friends really well. Develop close relationships where others know you and you know them. You will come to experience acceptance from them and also be able to give it to them, too. This helps to develop confidence — knowing you are accepted as you are.
3. Don’t be afraid to try new things, whether it’s in your career, your relationships (getting to know someone you normally wouldn’t gravitate towards), or new activities. Think of one new thing you can try each month or quarter that seems simple. Then go and do it!
Believing that you are more than just sufficient, but an overcoming warrior-in-progress can take work if you struggle with insecurity. You might be very pleasantly surprised that others can appreciate you for who you are, quirks and all, if you make a little bit of effort to build the foundation for positive relationships.
Carly Graham is a licensed professional counselor in northern New Jersey. She holds a Bachelor of Science degree in communication studies from James Madison University and a Master of Arts in Biblical counseling from Dallas Theological Seminary. She currently provides counseling services to women who are walking through postpartum depression, infertility, miscarriage, and infant loss. She and her husband Jonathan live in New Jersey with their two sons.