4 Steps to Take When a Friendship Changes
“It’s painful to not see your friends, but it’s even more painful to realize you don’t relate to them so easily anymore.”
Photo by Emily Fletke
The other day I was looking through some old college photos that date back about ten years. It completely transported me to places, sounds, smells, and people I once saw every day. I still have these people in my life in some way, but I felt an aching nostalgia. It’s a familiar feeling that’s brought on when I hear certain songs, watch an early aughts chick flick, and when the ornaments come out at Christmastime. It’s the feeling of wanting things to be like they were before. And as I looked at the photos, I missed my friends.
I was not prepared for the changes brought about by leaving college and entering the real world. I’m not talking about finding a job, cooking for myself, and deciding where to lay these ubiquitous roots. I had no notion of the changes coming for me and my friends. You could say I thought things would go on forever as they were. You could also say I was terribly naive. You would be right, but I’m convinced no one prepares you for how friendships change in adulthood.
I found some of my favorite people in the world during college. It was a wonderful, insular universe, but the show came to an end. Like Truman, I found the door in the wall that I thought was a sky. I made new friends but the context was missing. As a result, I would start to say a phrase and stop myself, knowing those around me wouldn’t understand the reference. I’d think of a joke my best friend would find hilarious, but abandon it, realizing it wouldn’t land. This change was hard and disorienting. But I still had my old friends and did my best with yearly visits, telephone calls, and staying in the know through social media. Then came the second blow, harder than the first. Even my old friends began throwing me off. It’s painful to not see your friends, but it’s even more painful to realize you don’t relate to them so easily anymore.
NAVIGATING THE LAWS OF FRIENDSHIP
A common wardrobe experience may help you relate. You have a pair of jeans you love and you wear them every day. They go with everything. Then suddenly and unexpectedly, they don’t. They don’t fit right and you wonder if it’s you — your butt or your legs or just your imagination. No, it’s definitely the pants. So when the same thing happens with a friend, you’re left thinking, “Didn’t I just go through this with my jeans?” and, “I need you to fit so things can be like before.”
But friends, like fashion, music, and movies, don’t always stay current. They can flow with the times and seasons and stages of life. I feel this way about music sometimes. Remember that good song from 2008? the one that used to be played on repeat on the radio but has been replaced by new songs. What happened to it? Similarly, the once current and on-trend friends-for-any-occasion seem like they’re out of style. They don’t hit the mark anymore. Maybe the location is all wrong, or the fit is wonky. The song is so yesterday.
Having said all that, I often wonder if I have done enough to keep my friendships current. Was it my fault or theirs, or just the natural and inevitable course of growing up? Like the laws of physics or nature: space and time applied to a friendship produce an altered relationship. In the absence of late-night study sessions and holiday road trips, two objects (friends) drift apart at the same rate of acceleration. A friendship can be neither the same nor destroyed, but left somewhere in limbo. Or maybe some version of Murphy’s law is best here: everything that can change will change.
FINDING A NEW FIT
I’ve found that change is not always the end, and if allowed, it can be the beginning. Here are a few things to try and see if maybe you can get those friendships to fit after all.
1. INITIATE
Some people are just not initiators in a relationship. If you find yourself wanting to reach out, you probably are one, and you should. People often respond to initiative positively and begin to initiate themselves after a while. As this back and forth occurs, you will begin to build the relationship and eventually forget who sent the first text. If they don’t respond positively, well, that may be your answer.
2. BE HONEST
In every relationship honesty is important. It can be hard to be honest about where a friendship is, especially when your feelings seem one-sided. But it’s likely the other person feels it too. If you feel distant, tell them. If you miss them, let them know. There may have been a time when you could read your best friend’s mind, but you don’t know each other as well any more, so they truly might not know how you are feeling. And there may be years, states or even oceans between you now, which can feel like barriers to being open with each other. Don’t assume anything, especially the worst.
3. BE OK WITH CHANGE
If you want to keep a person in your life, there’s a good chance your relationship will look a lot different over time. You are no longer both in college trying to find yourself anymore. You may be in very different seasons. Many of my friends are mothers now, which means interruptions when we talk on the phone and more day trips, less weekend getaways. Things look different and feel different. But if our expectations are realistic, we’re less likely to be disappointed when it’s “just not the same.”
4. DON’T BE AFRAID TO LET GO
Letting go is the hardest part (I’m sure that’s a song). But understand friendships are often paths that cross. (OK, that is definitely a song — one of my favorites by Patti Smith). Paths may cross again in the future or they may not, but try to think fondly on the memories you have. Realize that though it can’t be said your friendship is current now, it was current once and played a part in who you have become.
Many friendships from our childhood, college days or any previous phase of life just don’t seem to fit anymore. It can be easy to blame ourselves or them, but often this is just the natural and inevitable course of growing up and adulthood. Before you give up, give your friendships one more grown-up try. You’d do the same for your favorite jeans, right?
How have you seen your friendships change over the years? What have you found to be successful as you navigate these changes?
Christina brings many skills and great wisdom to her role as Editorial Assistant at RADIANT. She is a writer, using words and sometimes music to tell stories and connect with others. She is working on a musical and you can read more of her writing at oddmutations.com. Christina lives in Yorkville on the UES.