Quarantine has Challenged Me to Think About Who I Am
“I’ve had to allow myself room to be vulnerable with friends and accountability partners in ways that I’ve never experienced.”
Photo by Emily Fletke
Defining my identity has been challenged over and over again for me in this quarantine. I’ve underestimated how affected I’ve been by the transition until the dam simply breaks, and I find myself in bed sobbing without even knowing what’s wrong. I’ve had to confront myself on some really hard realizations that, once deconstructed, brought me closer to knowing Jesus and myself. I’ve had to allow myself to be more emotional than normal, and as an actor in New York City, that was a lot sometimes — even for me. I’ve had to allow myself room to be vulnerable with friends and accountability partners in ways that I’ve never experienced. It’s been a new level of introspection in every way because I’m letting people, and God, into places that I’ve never been before. I cling to Joshua 3:4, which says just that: “You have not been here before, but if you follow them (those who lead you), you will know where to go.”
Now having had time during quarantine to truly deal with the reality of my thoughts and the self-sufficiency of my actions, I’ve been challenged by who I actually am when seen in the reflection of who Jesus is. God is leading me somewhere new, somewhere deeper. There were parts of myself that I just wasn’t allowing his Spirit to invade because “I got it.” My motives in those deep, hard, and hidden areas still had chains on them that I wasn’t allowing true freedom to invade. The Bible says, in 2 Corinthians 3:16-17, “But the moment one turns to the Lord with an open heart, the veil is lifted, and they see. Now, the Lord I’m referring to is the Holy Spirit, and wherever he is Lord, there is freedom.” Was my heart completely open? No. There were some places, memories, mindsets, and even consistently destructive actions in which I was comfortable. I even enjoyed them at times. I enjoyed the anger and the resentment and the arrogance and even some pride. I had to ask myself, “Nyla, is God the boss here? Is he even invited to this place in my heart?” Then a friend asked me if I wanted to fast with her and another friend.
I jumped at the opportunity to surrender because, honestly, even though I’ve fasted over and over without budging on my spiritual complacency, something was different this time. The second day of the fast, one of the girls with whom I was fasting said during our daily debrief, “This is not a challenge.” She didn’t mean it wasn’t hard; she meant it wasn’t a competition. That hit home for me. If I’m being honest, when I fast with other people, sometimes it is just that -- a subconscious competition. Who could stay in it the longest? Who was sacrificing more? It’s honestly ridiculous, because I could be on the most intense fast on the outside, but if my heart posture is whack, God isn’t honored in my efforts. I’m reminded the Bible says, “Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.” I can’t say the details of my life represented Jesus. So, I’m digging in. I want freedom, and it seems that comes with allowing God to survey and permeate my heart. In his definition of freedom, it’s wherever he is not only allowed to occupy space, but also to govern. Though I’ve come so very far, there is more. I’m done playing games with God; I want all of the real truth. It’s crazy, because sometimes I can physically feel the resistance of that intangible struggle, but I just keep fighting and inviting God into my space. It’s uncomfortable and hard, but I know freedom is calling. I have to answer and I will respond to its invitation. Will you?
Giving all glory to God, Nyla Watson is a dedicated performer in the New York City music theater community and a recent grad of New York University (NYU) where she received her Masters in Music Theater Voice (c/o 2020). Nyla is also so excited to be signing her first NYC lease in Crown Heights after residing in NYC since 2014! She attributes her success to her faith, her parents, her education and her professional and personal influences. Acts 4:7- 12. www.queennyla.com