The Critical Ingredient for Healthy Dating
“I made a lot of mistakes while dating. One of my most egregious habits was minimizing red-flag moments during the early stages of the relationship.”
Photo by Janelle Pol
Eager for some entertainment on my way to work, I began to scan radio stations. I paused when I found dance music, energized by the rhythms. I paid attention to the lyrics and heard, “What is love? Baby don’t hurt me…” I pushed the seek button until I found another high energy song. “Grab somebody sexy, tell ‘em hey, give me everything tonight…”
Now, I believe it’s possible to enjoy music regardless of the lyrics. Not everything has to be systematically analyzed for its contribution toward emotional health. It’s just that if we aren’t aware of the messages that come at us, they could affect us subconsciously in potentially dangerous ways. I’m also certain most women don’t consciously seek relationships where the boundaries are confusing and unhealthy.
LEARNING FROM MISTAKES
After suffering my first significant broken heart, I decided to strive for healthy relationship boundaries in the future. I vowed not to invest in him before I knew how invested he was in me. However, it quickly became evident this was “easier said than done.” In my early days of dating — before I knew God — my personal standards were always at risk of sliding, leaving me vulnerable for more broken hearts to come.
I made a lot of mistakes while dating. One of my most egregious habits was minimizing red-flag moments during the early stages of the relationship. When I caught him in a “white lie” or putting me down “just a little,” I would tell myself it was not such a big deal. After all, I didn’t want to be viewed as oversensitive or unforgiving. Sometimes I found myself months into tolerating something I never should have allowed in the first place. Once people learn they can get away with small infractions, they try larger ones.
Looking back, I assessed compatibility by trial and error rather than from a conviction of personal worthiness. In developing my own plan to find the right man for me, I was perpetually blind-sided. I suffered a lot of confusion until I understood that while it was important to find the right man, I first needed to know I was already loved with abandon.
A NEW APPROACH: ALREADY LOVED
When I first came to know God and Jesus, and how much he loved me, I was in my thirties. I asked one of my closest friends, “Did you always know you wanted to marry someone who had a personal relationship with Jesus?” She looked at me as if I’d swallowed a frog. “It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t,” she replied. Her comment left me dazed, wondering what my dating life might have been like had I taken that route.
Jesus’ unconditional love filled the ache within me, so when I dated a man, it enabled me to “take or leave” a relationship based on my interest and his willingness to love me in the way I wanted and needed. This approach was a far cry from putting all my hopes in a person who might have no idea how to care for me, let alone love me. This new, liberating position felt foreign and radically different than what I was used to. I no longer wondered if I looked as desperate as I felt.
When it comes to dating, it’s much easier to keep healthy boundaries when you are one hundred percent sure you are already loved and don’t need anyone to fill that emotional void. If you aren’t certain of your lovability or worthiness, I would recommend going on that quest to learn how it’s true. It’s critical to know you’re loved before expecting other people to confirm that.
When you truly value yourself, you are less likely to fall into relationship pitfalls that stem from needing something that your partner either can’t or won’t give. In the beginning of your dating relationship, you should never find yourself perpetually fighting for your partner’s attention, honesty, respect, understanding, love, value, or motivation to get emotionally healthy. As soon as you find yourself advocating for one of those fundamental things, you can feel comfortable moving on from that relationship. You are worthy of those; don’t settle for less.
And when you pull up stakes (before getting emotionally mired in a no-win situation), take comfort in knowing that your actions prevented a much more devastating breakup in the future. Once you find your emotional footing again, you’ll have even more energy to pursue your true life’s purpose.
Imagine pursuing your God-given purpose while enjoying healthy relationship boundaries. While you’re living a full life, you meet someone who naturally shares your interests and values. Now you’re well on your way to a match made in Heaven.
Jessica Minieri is a licensed professional counselor who works with at-risk teens and families. She lives in Fairfield County, Connecticut with her husband and son. Her passion is showing people they are deeply and truly loved.