Breaking Free From the Feeling of Shame
And just as shame penetrates deep into our being, so empathy should connect there, too.
Photo by Janelle Pol
How do we break free from the shame we feel from something we have done? It begins with understanding more about shame.
The dictionary describes shame rather simply as a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior which fails to meet a standard. Yet, this description can’t begin to portray the complexity or heaviness of shame that weighs down the soul.
There’s more to shame. It isn’t just something we experience. Other people are involved, too. On one hand, they can feel shame about what we have done. They can also shame us for not doing the right thing.
Shame, however, according to Brené Brown, is more than a feeling we have or other people have. Brown says shame is about who we are, not what we’ve done. Shame doesn’t just say “I’ve done something bad.” Shame says “I am a bad person.” Shame, says Brown, makes us feel very abnormal and alone.
Shame not only hurts a lot, but it is also isolating and affects the core of who we are — our identity. If you can relate, you are in good company here.
So, how do we reverse the effects of shame?
SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE EMPATHETIC
Brown says, “I found that the opposite of experiencing shame is experiencing empathy.” When we tell our stories or share an experience with someone and they respond by understanding and seeing the world through our eyes, Brown says most of our shame loses its power.
It takes time, though, to find a person we can open up to — someone we can trust to listen to our story and who doesn’t make us feel worse than small. And how do we know we’ve found that person? It takes a risk to discover if someone will accept us, regardless of what we have done. If we tell our story and they do not empathize with us, then it’s too late.
So perhaps the place to start is with us:
BE EMPATHETIC TO THOSE AROUND YOU
We need to enter into each others’ worlds to have a better understanding of what we’re going through.
Challenge your prejudices about someone’s behavior and instead find what you have in common. As one article suggests, get curious about people who are different than you, the ones you would normally reject. Listen and don’t criticize.
But, I want to encourage us to do more than that. Let’s be women who expand our view of empathy. I like the way theologians talk about it: empathy is the cognitive ability of the soul. In this sense, empathy is more than just a mental ability to understand the facts and significance of behavior; it has a spiritual aspect, too. And just as shame penetrates deep into our being, so empathy should connect there, too. And this is where I believe the immortal being of God is our solution to reversing shame.
So, with this in mind, the place to start is:
BELIEVE IN GOD WHO IS EMPATHETIC
Religion often measures our messes and defines the standards we fail to keep and cannot live up to. And often we think this is what God is like. He has a standard — perfection — and we can only know shame before him for our wrong and foolish behavior.
Yet, God chose to understand us. He put himself in our place. Jesus spent nine months in darkness before being pushed out into the world, exactly the same way we are. He lived a blameless life, yet his closest friends disowned him at his greatest moment of need. Loss of dignity, scandal, disgrace, and humiliation marred his mind, body, and soul — and Jesus had committed no wrong or foolish behavior.
God is full of understanding of our messes and when we bring them to him, shame loses its power. We do feel shame before his perfection, but God never leaves us there. I like how Lysa Terkeurst puts it: God doesn’t want to shame us; he wants to forgive us.
So, tell God your story. As you open up to God, know that he will not make you feel small but help you stand tall. Then, you will be able to show other people the understanding he has shown to you. Together we can beat shame.