How to Stop Tying Your Worth to What You Have

“I am what I have.”

This lie ran my life for many years, much to my current dismay.

Growing up in a “less affluent” family within an extremely wealthy community made it especially difficult to combat comparison. Reminders of what I didn’t have constantly bombarded me: the latest Laura Mercier makeup, the private pool, the new car, or the luxury vacations to the Bahamas. The tape of comparison was on repeat, and I couldn’t seem to find the “STOP” button. 

I believed the lie that “I am what I have” and its counterpoint of “I’m lacking because of what I don’t have.” This became the lens through which I viewed my life. It caused a lot of anxiety and despair, and also damaged my relationships and self-confidence. I desperately tried to either maintain what I had or “reach the next level" on my own without any help, of course. I found myself constantly falling short, which made me feel terrible about myself and hopeless about my future. 

When we believe we are lacking, we are easily tempted to resent others who we perceive have more than we do.

If I noticed a friend or acquaintance with expensive makeup while I was still using the cheap stuff from Rite-Aid, I would spiral out of control into believing I had no value at all. Of course, I did this alone in my nutty mind-palace while maintaining the image of a high-functioning totally “mature” adult on the outside."How am I feeling worthless again?" I would wonder.

Letting what I had or didn’t have define my worth set me up for a never-ending inner dialogue of comparison, robbing me of joy and genuine relationships with others. I was like Gollum in Lord of the Rings, trying to hold onto the precious ring of possessions, while my soul wasted away the tighter I gripped. 

Allowing this lie to take root led to a crop of bad fruit: self-loathing, anger, rage, bitterness, envy, resentment, malice. Let’s just say the kitchen  reeked of rotten “fruit.” 

Whenever you’re trying to look better than others or get the better of others, things fall apart and everyone ends up at the others’ throats.

Without fail, comparison either left me feeling better than the person next to me — full of pride or — in most cases, worse about myself — condemning myself. 

Comparison almost killed me, but that doesn’t have to be the case if we recognize that there is a way out!

“God is able to lavish his love on you in a unique way, custom tailored to your story. You don’t need to look around to check on how you’re doing compared to those around you.”

Photo by Emily Fletke Photography

IDENTIFYING THE MIXTAPE

First, we can identify what’s been playing on our comparison mixtape. 

Here’s my list. Maybe yours is similar. The point is that when we step back and look at it with a bit of perspective, we know better! We know these aren’t true: 

I am the amount of money I have.

I am the body I have.

I am the face I have.

I am the intelligence level I have.

I am the career I have.

I am the talent I have.

I am the apartment/house I have.

I am the family I have.

I am the clothes I have.

I am the voice I have.

I am the college degree I have.

I am the friendships I have.

The thing is, material things don’t last forever. Friendships and careers change. Our faces and our bodies are never going to be perfect or look like the photoshopped images we see in magazines or in ads. 

So how do we find our worth and value as a human? How do we compare without it turning to bitterness and disillusionment? How do we develop a healthy perspective?

We need to be determined and commit to get rid of this terrible lie, whatever it takes.

We are not what we have! We are far more than that.

FINDING A NEW FRAMEWORK

I want to give you a new framework for changing your thinking, one that has changed my internal dialogue and has given me a truth to believe in and flourish from instead of the lie that was destroying me.

1. Turn to God and pray this prayer, or put these sentiments into your own words: 

“God, you see into the deepest corners of my heart and you know how comparing myself to others is slowly destroying me. You know that one specific person or the things that I’m always comparing myself to and you want me to be free from that trap. 

Jesus, I call on your powerful name right now. Help me to change my thinking. Help me when I am tempted to compare myself to others based on what I have or don’t have. Help me to know my worth in your eyes and put my trust in you, not material things, achievements, or relationships. 

Remind me that I am loved unconditionally by you and that my value is based solely on the truth that I am your beloved daughter. Reassure me that you alone have what can truly satisfy me in the deepest places of my soul.“

2. Read, repeat, and believe these words about yourself: 

I am who God says that I am (not what I have or don’t have). That is:

I am God's child. 

I belong to God. 

I am God's handiwork. 

I have been chosen by God.

I cannot be separated from the love of God. 

Refresh your mind continually with these truths. Put them where you can see them frequently. I had them posted on my closet door for months, so I could read it every morning as I got dressed.

Say, “I lack no good thing!” Jesus is everything your heart could ever truly need to feel worthy or valuable. He calls you, his treasured possession, his delight. 

And add, “I don’t need things, talents, furniture, or vacations to bolster my value or my worth. I have everything I need, right now, if I turn to Jesus.” 

God is able to lavish his love on you in a unique way, custom tailored to your story. You don’t need to look around to check on how you’re doing compared to those around you. You don’t need to focus on what other people have, or think about how it’s better or worse than what you have. 

Repeat and believe these words: “God, you say you rejoice over me with loud singing.” You say you rescued me because you delighted in me! You say I am holy and beloved. You say I am chosen by you. You say I am your treasured possession. Help me to believe it today.” 

3. Share with a trusted friend, someone you can be real with who won't judge you, but who won't baby you either. Get that thing you keep fixating on into the light (no matter how dumb you think it might be), laugh a little, and then let go of the lies that have held you back.

Our identity cannot be rooted in what we have or don’t have. Take it from me, it is shitty soil that cannot sustain long-term flourishing. 

The good news is that we can put our roots in good, nutrient rich soil - God’s words (super-charged premium fertilizer soil) - and start to see our confidence slowly restored. 

Getting to know Jesus means discovering we have all we need, and we can begin to truly walk in freedom from the lie of “I am what I have” and the struggle of comparison. 

As it sinks in deep that you are maxed out in value to God, you will stop trying to grasp for things you think you need to increase your value.