Two Steps to Helping Others Feel Valued

Photo by Janelle Pol

"When you don’t take my word at face value, you make me feel powerless and voiceless.”

A friend said this to me one day on the phone. She was frustrated. I had asked her the same question multiple times: “Are you sure?” “Are you sure that you are sure?”

Her accusation shocked me. Trying to make her feel powerless and voiceless was clearly not my intention, but it forced me into some self-reflection. I was surprised to discover the number of times I did not believe people to mean what they said. I often read between the lines, and even predicted ahead of time what someone may want or need without asking them. I was a perpetual professional mind-reader. I even said things I didn’t mean.

For those of us raised in homes where a parent or sibling never quite said what they meant, we had to develop coping mechanisms to compensate for others’ inability to find power in their own voice. And, without even realizing it, we may have also developed a passive, polite way of miscommunicating our own wants and needs as well.

I eventually made the decision that I wanted to be a person who said what I meant and meant what I said, and held others to the same standard.

To do this, there are two simple questions I ask myself when I’m texting, emailing or talking:

1. Am I saying exactly what I mean? Am I being transparent and truthful about what I want, need, or feel?

I want to be a person who is known by family and friends to use my voice honestly. 

2. Am I listening to someone’s words and taking them at face value?

I must let others speak for themselves. It is not my job to look for hidden meaning or ulterior motives, or assume that I know what people actually mean, want, and need. 

Let’s encourage each other to use our voices powerfully and honestly by honoring each other’s words. 

Are you taking people’s words at face value? Are you saying what you mean?